


A Much Needed Talk

by KamikazeWorld



Series: Once More, With Feelings [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anxiety, Crying, Gen, Hugging, Hurt/Comfort, Reconciliation, crying and hugging, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 07:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14732882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KamikazeWorld/pseuds/KamikazeWorld
Summary: After the events with the SQUIP, Michael and Jeremy really needed to talk.-------This is the first part of a series exploring various relationships in Be More Chill and how they change and develop in the aftermath of the musical, with slowburn Boyf riends as end game. Please enjoy!





	A Much Needed Talk

When Jeremy got to school that day - his first day back without the SQUIP - he had been nervous. He didn't know how everyone would react to seeing him, for one. He'd been so surprised when they had all welcomed him back with open arms, and although Chloe said something about feeling more connected to them all since their run-in with… ecstasy? (Jenna had pulled him aside afterwards and helpfully explained the cover up story for anyone not in the know about the SQUIPs. Jeremy could've hugged her, if it wouldn't have been kind of weird.) He was just glad they were all okay and accepted him, despite all the things he did wrong. They had even given him advice about Christine! He didn't know how they had all found out, but he strongly suspected Rich had something to do with it. He'd have to ask him later. Which brings us to his other reason for being nervous:

He had finally asked Christine out. Jeremy could hardly believe she had said yes, even if it was only to the two of them having lunch together, and after that the nerves were replaced by excited butterflies and a giddy feeling throughout the rest of the school day.

It came crashing down again by the time school ended.

When he had woken up in the hospital after the Play (forever rendered with a capital P in his mind), him and Michael only talked briefly before Jeremy's dad came in, and after that there wasn't the privacy or the time needed to unravel that particular ball of feelings. Instead, Michael and him had promised to talk after he got back to school. Since Jeremy was grounded and had to come straight home, Michael was going to drive them to his house, where they'd be alone since Jeremy's dad wouldn't be back until later that evening. Just thinking about it made Jeremy's stomach twist with dread, his anxiety spiking the closer the watch hands got to the end of last period. By the time the bell actually rang, he nearly jumped out of his skin.

He met Michael by his locker, exchanging slightly awkward greetings as they both got ready to leave. Michael made an attempt at small talk as they walked to the parking lot, but Jeremy didn't really hear much of it, just nodded along where he thought was appropriate. Once Michael's old car came into view, he stopped cold and stared.

It had been two months since he had last sat in that car; since he sat next to Michael, talking about nothing or laughing at dumb jokes or singing along to the radio. And there he was, about to walk up to it as though nothing had changed. It felt wrong; something in his gut twisted.

"You coming, Jeremy?" Michael called from where he had just unlocked the car, startling Jeremy out of his thoughts. He had an eyebrow raised in concern, and Jeremy swallowed.

"Y-yeah," he called back, taking the strides to the car and opening the passenger door to get in.

They drove in mostly silence; Michael had fiddled with the radio for a while, before making a dissatisfied noise and turning it off again. Jeremy didn't know what to say, and without the music he was left with nothing to focus on except his own thoughts.

Two months. It had really been two full months since he last spent time with Michael. The last time they had even been alone together had been… the bathroom at Jake’s party, where he had ended up calling him a loser. Jeremy had really fucked up. He knew he had; he’d let an evil supercomputer take over his entire life and change who he was so he could get a girlfriend, at the cost of his lifelong best friend. He did get the girl, somehow, but he wanted so badly to change how it happened. He wished he could undo the way he’d treated Michael, wished he could do over and do it right. But even with everything he’d done, Michael had still come to the play, had still saved his ass, and visited him in the hospital. Heck, he’d even encouraged him to go after Christine.

Michael Mell was probably the best and most loyal person Jeremy had ever met. He knew he didn’t deserve even an ounce of that loyalty.

Jeremy glanced at Michael, who was staring straight ahead as he drove. He gave himself a moment to just look, to take in his friend’s face, see if anything had changed. He thought he looked thinner, just a bit. He looked tired, and he seemed as tense as Jeremy felt. Suddenly, he was glancing back, and Jeremy hurried to look back out the window, heart beating in his chest from nerves. He shouldn’t have had a reason to be so on edge, but the tension between them felt almost palpable, and it was slowly choking him. He thought about what might happen once they got to his house. Was Michael going to yell at him? Probably. Was he going to tell Jeremy what a terrible person he was? Possibly. He could just as well take this chance to break off their friendship, to tell him he wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, because he was the shittiest friend ever and should just go to hell, and he could just walk away, leaving Jeremy, and Jeremy would deserve that and worse because he did exactly that to Michael; abandoned him fully and willingly, just left him, and now Michael was going to leave him too--

Just like that, the car stopped. Jeremy blinked. His eyes tried to focus on the world outside the window again, and he realized he was staring at his own house.

“Whelp, here we are,” he heard Michael say beside him, followed by the sound of his seatbelt unfastening and the car door opening. Jeremy stared for just a second longer, before following him, and soon enough they had walked through Jeremy’s house to his bedroom.

Somehow, the bedroom felt worse than the car.

Nothing had really changed in there since September; Jeremy's bed was unmade as usual, his game collection stood unorganized in the shelf by his TV, and the two bean bags were stacked in the corner where he usually kept them when not using them; they hadn't been used at all since the last time Michael was there. Over all, it was the same, yet it still felt so different, somehow. Like they were different.

Jeremy realized they probably were.

"Do you, uh…" he started awkwardly, then swallowed. Tried again. "Do you want something to eat or drink, or--"

"Nah, I'm good," Michael answered, and Jeremy nodded.

"R-right…"

They simply stood there for a moment, both unsure and hesitating, before Michael made a move towards Jeremy's bed. He sat down, and Jeremy wondered what he should do. He played absentmindedly with the hem of his shirt as he looked between the bed and the chair by his desk, and he wished for a moment that he had worn something other than a t-shirt that day; he felt oddly exposed, even though it was just Michael. Or perhaps because it was Michael. He caught his eyes and saw the look he was giving him, and ended up sitting on the bed too, a few feet away from the other. They were quiet for a moment, before turning to each other at the same time.

"Jeremy, I--"

"Look, I--"

They stared at each other, before laughing, the sound of it as nervous and awkward as the whole situation felt. Despite that, Jeremy couldn't help but smile, small and hesitant.

"I… I've really missed you, dude," he breathed out, feeling some of his nerves give way to the warmth of simply being near his friend after so long. The warmth quickly froze to anxiety, however, because Michael looked away, expression almost pained even as he mumbled "me too".

Michael was really tense, Jeremy realized; his shoulders were hunched, and he looked as thought he was holding back, like he wanted to say more. When nothing followed, though, Jeremy knew he had to speak first. He took a deep breath and tried to brace himself.

"I'm-- I know it's not going to be enough, but… I'm really sorry, Michael. F-for everything."

Michael didn't say anything. He frowned at a spot on the blanket, but Jeremy could see his eyes shining with tears and panic gripped at his heart. He couldn't already be messing this up.

"I-- I wish I knew how to fix it,” he continued, his words coming out too fast and wobbly, “or-- or make it up to you, or… B-but I don't, and I'm… I'm so, so sorry."

He chewed on his lip as he waited for Michael to say something, anything. Michael took a shuddering breath, still clearly trying to fight back his tears as he spoke.

"Y-you know, I tried to imagine what this would feel like,” he said. “I th-thought I'd feel… satisfied, or something." He let out a shaky laugh; the tears started to fall down his face. "I just feel miserable."

Jeremy wanted to reach out, to comfort Michael, and he almost did, but he aborted the action; he let his half raised hand fall back to the mattress. He swallowed thickly against his own tears.

"I- I don't know how to fix it…" he admits quietly.

"… I d-don't think you can… You really hurt me, Jeremy. Fuck, I thought-- I thought I'd lost my only friend. For months!"

"I know. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

They were both crying now, tears streaming down their faces. Jeremy rubbed at his eyes, willing his tears to stop.

"Michael, I-- I wish I could undo it. All of it. I wish I'd listened to you from the start."

"But you didn't. You didn't listen, and you ignored me. For two months. Two MONTHS, Jeremy!" Michael was shouting now, and Jeremy nearly flinched back. He had never seen Michael like that before; had never seen him that upset, that angry.

"I know, I w-was an idiot, I'm-- I’m sorry,” he said again, not knowing what else to do.

"Do you have any idea what I-- what it felt like?!"

Jeremy couldn't answer. He shook his head, any words he wanted to say stuck in his throat. He wanted to reach out, to touch, to ground himself and keep Michael close. He didn't feel like he had the right to anymore.

He choked on a sob, and he heard Michael curse under his breath next to him. When he looked up, he saw him rubbing at his eyes. Silence fell over them for a moment, only broken by shaky breathing, snuffling and occasional sobs as they both tried to calm down.

"You know…” Jeremy started, voice soft in the quiet room. He couldn't bring himself to look at Michael. “W-when you showed up, during the play, I… I was so happy. I fucked everything up, a-and you still came to save me. I get that I… That I messed up, really bad, and you have all right to hate me, but--"

"I don't hate you, Jeremy,” Michael interrupted, and Jeremy’s head snapped up to look at him.

"W-what?"

Michael sighed.

"You did fuck up. You hurt me. And I'm… going to be pissed about that for a while." Jeremy looked away again at that, nodding. Michael continued: "But I-- I could never hate you. I wouldn't be here if I did."

Jeremy sucked in a breath, fresh tears welling in his eyes again. The need to reach for Michael was still there, and this time he didn't fight it. He grabbed Michael’s hand, and was nearly overwhelmed by relief when he felt Michael squeeze his hand back.

They were both crying again, and neither could say who moved first, but they nearly collapsed into each other, hugging each other close and clinging as though the world would end if they let the other go. All the while, Jeremy kept repeating “I'm sorry” over and over, until he was sobbing too hard to speak.

In that moment, he felt as though the only thing that kept him from drowning was Michael’s arms around him, tightening ever so slightly with every sob that shook his body.

It felt like forever before they’d both stopped crying. They sat in silence for a long time, simply holding each other, their breathing slow and heads resting on each other’s shoulder. There was still a heaviness in the quiet around them, though much less than before; it felt weary, tired, much like the boys themselves.

"Do you… Do you think…" Jeremy started, but trailed off.

"What?"

"… Do you think we can go back to how it used to be…?"

His voice was small, unsure, and he knew Michael could hear the tremble of fear in it. It took another few seconds before Michael answered him.

"That depends on you, Jeremy.”

Jeremy nodded. He hugged Michael just a little tighter.

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I was an asshole."

"You were."

"Please kick my ass if I ever do something that stupid again."

Michael snorted at that.

"I promise,” and there was the tiniest hint of amusement lacing his voice as he said it.

They sat like that for a while longer, just hugging each other. The silence between them was comfortable at last.

Finally, Michael pulled back.

"So… You wanna play for a while and pretend we didn't just spend the last…" He glanced at the alarm clock on Jeremy's bedside table and cringed. "Hour and a half crying?"

Jeremy let out a laugh, something light and warm filling his chest for the first time since they left the school.

"Yeah,” he said. “Playing sounds good."

They pulled out Jeremy’s old copy of Mario Kart and started it up. It had always been their go-to comfort game, ever since they were children, and Jeremy couldn't help but smile. Even if they had both changed over the last months, some things remained the same, and he was endlessly grateful for it and the hope it gave him. As they played through the familiar tracks, Michael and Jeremy joked and traded competitive but playful insults, just like they had always done it. Jeremy didn't think he'd ever been happier; not even Christine agreeing to go out with him compared to getting his player one back.

The boys kept playing until Jeremy’s dad came back from work, reminding them both of how late it was getting. Mr Heere invited Michael to stay for dinner, but he declined, saying he’d have food waiting at home and that he should probably get going anyway.

Jeremy followed him to the door, and they lingered for a moment. Jeremy fidgetet, his fingers twisting the fabric at the hem of his shirt, before catching himself and abruptly stopping. Michael paused to look at him, and he seemed to know what it was Jeremy couldn't ask; he always just knew, somehow. He stepped closer and pulled Jeremy into a warm hug, and Jeremy hugged back immediately, relief washing over him.

“See you tomorrow, Michael,” he mumbled, squeezing his friend before pulling back. Michael smiled at him.

“Yeah,” he said. “See you.”

Jeremy watched the old PT Cruiser drive away before going back inside. His dad peeked into the hallway, smiling, but Jeremy saw the curiosity and concern behind it.

“You and Michael doing okay, son?” he asked, the question itself sounding innocent enough. Jeremy found himself smiling, small and shy.

“Yeah,” he answered, and he could hear a happiness in his own voice, like he hadn't in what felt like ages. “I think we’re going to be okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Holy cow! I can't believe I actually got this done, but I did and it honestly feels great??
> 
> As I said in the description, this will be part of a slow burning series that will focus mostly on Jeremy and Michael's relationship, but also their relationships with the other kids in the SQUIP Squad. I'm nearly done with part two, and I have the first chapter of a RichJake side of the story in the works, as well! So please look forward to that in the hopefully near future!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, and please feel free to leave a comment letting me know what you thought and felt, even if it's just key smashing! ; v ;
> 
> Until next time~!


End file.
